Report from Jail on Non Violence
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Date: Wed Aug 09 2000 - 13:03:59 EDT
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Good People,
John sent this to us from jail regarding his experiences so far:
Report from Jail on Non Violent Action
I've just completed a month in jail with five more to go. I
wanted to share my thoughts on what has happened. A primary goal
of the Kids-Right.Org web site was to be a place to share
experiences using Non Violent Action. If you are not familiar
with the concept you can read about how it has been practiced at:
http://www.kids-right.org/civil_back.htm and there is a summary
essay at: http://www.kids-right.org/essays.htm.
Introduction
More than anything in the world, I was looking forward to
spending a peaceful and joy filled time this summer with my seven
year old, Domenic. In the Fall I was planning to resume my
efforts by walking in our local Federal Building, details at:
http://www.kids-right.org/protest_dm.htm. It was not to be that
way. As is well documented at the web site, I am in jail over
several issues involving child support. It appears the Judge did
not approve of my reform efforts (from the transcript):
"... let me say Mr. Murtari if you put all the efforts you had
in reforming the system, if you directed those specifically in
paying child support, your life and Domenic's would be much
better ... your continuing incarceration may be a detriment to
Domenic. But that's not the question. The question is not best
interests of the child at this point ... you need a wake up call
with respect to what you are doing and the consequences they are
having on your son."
Feelings & Action
Coming back to jail after being denied even a delay in my
sentence so Dom could spend some summer vacation with family--
was one of the most depressing rides in my life. I was hurt and I
was angry. I wanted to lash back. I wanted to yell in that court room,
"Judge, how can you be such a blind idiot!"
At times like that, self discipline is the only thing that kept my mouth
shut--but I was still upset. I remember some powerful words from
a Jesuit Priest. I had asked him how I should feel about an
emotional issue. He told me, "John, you're supposed to feel the
way you feel ... the only question is what are you going to do
about those feelings." I felt liberated!
The foundation of Non Violent Action is Faith in a loving God.
That Faith allowed me to again work through the anger I had with
Judges, Lawyers, and my former spouse
(www.kids-right.org/apsalm.htm). To remember
again these were my brothers & sisters. As much as I could not
approve of their actions--I was still called to be good to them.
It was not the first time I had to remind myself of this, and
also not the last!
I can see why anger filled "protest" can be much more satisfying
(in the short term). You get to criticize, yell, gossip and maybe
punch your opponent. You can really "give it to them."
How different could my experience of Non Violence be?
That day in court, everybody else went home to family. I
went to a jail cell. Is there any justice in that? Am I just
beating my head against a wall? I certainly hope not, but I wish
I could be sure.
Faith
At times I am almost crushed by the weight of the experience, by
the uncertainty of the future. A lawyer friend laid out a very
bleak legal future: continuing jail sentences and not only the
loss of everything I own--but much less contact with Domenic. It
would be very easy to write a hundred bad endings to this. How
to continue? Faith.
Because I haven't lied, yelled, or punched anyone, but only acted
out of concern for my child--those same behaviors that landed me
here also give me the moral courage to continue. The confidence
that says I haven't done anything to deserve this treatment.
The Faith that says I have a heavenly Father that loves me certainly
as much as I love Domenic. I have talked to Domenic about the God
who loves us and who hears our prayers--were those just hollow words
I was saying? Now is my chance to show that I really believe them myself.
I try to do what I believe is right in the present and let God take care of
the future. Some people have told me what I am doing isn't going
to help Domenic in the long run--I wonder how they know that? At
times many of us have "cooperated" with the system and accepted
something we didn't think was right, but we were being told,
"just give in for now, we'll be able to go back to the Court
later ..."
Reread the section of our web site that talks about Mahatma
Gandhi. He told people not to focus on the "results." That people
who worried about results could eventually justify any action to achieve
their goals.
Non Violent Action just asks us to peacefully stand up for what we
believe in and to demonstrate that through our own willingness to
sacrifice--not by anger towards others. That willingness to sacrifice
will change how other people feel and bring positive results.
Present & Future
Captivity can be a draining experience. I remember lessons from
my POW training in the military. Take each day one at a time,
don't dwell on what might have been or on the future. In jail I
discipline myself to a rigorous schedule, exercise three times a
day, regular meals, times to play, and times to read.
Most of all, about 5 times a day, time to pray and reflect. That is the
foundation. I have a book of Christian Prayers which has a
varied section of Psalms for each day of the week. Never have I
found the Biblical Psalms more meaningful--they capture the cry
of the human heart. Some of my favorites Psalms, especially from
prison, are Psalms 88 and 143.
Each night I pray for release the very next day. It is a humbling
experience to realize my future depends on the good will of others,
my brothers and sisters. So many people have written the judge on
my behalf or spent hours in giving me support and advice
(www.kids-right.org/letters_dm.htm).
At times I am embarrassed by their good will. Before being
jailed, I remember seeing E-Mail list messages asking for letters
on someone's behalf--I never had time or thought it wouldn't
matter. Can you imagine that! My experience has changed my way
of thinking, funny how life works that way. The power of Non
Violent Action to move the feelings of others.
I write a letter with a puzzle to Domenic once a week. I call and leave
a message on their answering machine twice a week. I don't know if
he gets the letters or if he hears my phone messages--but I have done
what I can. I don't control the final result.
But if I need a reminder of why I am here, my continual lack of contact
with Dom provides that! It should not be this way. I love my son Domenic
very much and I will not voluntarily move to the "back of the bus" in his
life.
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