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My Child doesn't love me right now / Thermodynamics of Social Change & Easter

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From: John Murtari (jmurtari@AKidsRight.org)
Date: Sat Apr 19 2003 - 10:46:44 EDT


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Good People & People of Faith:

I don't know about you, but watching the "War in Iraq" made for a
change in perspective. Over the past weeks I've noted a decrease in
some of the list traffic on the net.  Many of us have had a chance to
think?

Before the war started I heard one commentator say Iraq had a very
well educated middle class.  That it was a wonder such a regime could
maintain power.  I laughed at that one. Surely all the parents on this
list know how?  Which of us would be willing to sacrifice all we have
to change the system when it seems futile?  It's safer to get on the
bandwagon after it's already rolling!

Easter is here also. I still can't get over all the "Bunny" and "Happy
Spring" cards I see for sale.  I seem to remember a time (I'm not that
old!) when most of the cards were about Love, Sacrifice and
Resurrection?  The recent messages from kids who don't want to see
their parents also struck some deep chords.  Here are some thoughts
and I welcome yours.


My Child doesn't love me right now.
-----------------------------------
As you look at historical reform movements and attempt to draw lessons
from what others have experienced -- there is one item unique to
parents.  In efforts to overcome slavery, segregation, or just the
right to vote, people who sacrificed had the satisfaction they would
be making things better for their children.  That their children would
enjoy this newly recognized "Civil Right."  What about us?

I was really struck by the emails from children in our last list
message -- who didn't want to see mom or dad anymore. Why did they have
to see someone they didn't love or care about?

Deep down, perhaps some of us don't want publicity.  You know how they
do things on "20-20" or "60 minutes", they like to interview both
sides.  Can you imagine Ms. Mom, just being interviewed regarding her
meeting with Senator Clinton, trying to convince the Senator that kids
have a right to two parents, and parents have a right to nurture their
own children.  The interview then continues with Ms. Mom's teenage son
(who was raised with the other parent) and who says, "Heck no, I don't
want to see her.  Just the weekend is bad enough, when do I get to
live MY life?  I don't love her, she was a [control freak /dominating
/hurting my self esteem....] -- Oh,, and did I tell you she abused me?
She slapped me once when I was a kid... (and then the kids breaks down
in tears)."

Some of you have experienced this first hand and probably even worse.
How about being sat down with a Law Guardian or Psychologist and being
told, "Mr. Dad, your daughter doesn't want to see you right now.  You
don't want to force her do you? Perhaps it would be best to wait a
bit?  You don't want to be pushy do you?  Let's try to take a
reasonable approach."  What are you going to say to that -- how many
of you have heard it from your own lawyer?

My tummy feels funny
---------------------
I've been VERY, VERY fortunate with my son Domenic and the great bond
we have.  But in the last 10 years I can still vividly recall two
incidents that did not go well, that are burned into my psyche
(nothing nearly as horrific as the times described above, what many of
you have experienced.  I don't know how I would have handled that!)

When our separation had just started by Court order and our journey
through the "system" had just begun, Dom would be dropped off for our
time.  He was little then, about 3 years old.  One day my former
spouse pulled up, Dom was still sleeping in the car seat.  As he woke
up he looked around and started crying as she brought him to me.  He
pushed away as I started to hold him and reached for her. I can also
remember the smile on her face as she walked backed to the car and he
was crying in my arms....

Within about 10 minutes we were all back to normal, but how many times
would I have wanted to go through that?

The second incident occurred years later, he was about 7, after they
had relocated out West (again by Court order).  The bond remained
strong even with distance. I was spending about every cent I had on
plane tickets (which is still true).  But there was one period where I
didn't see him for eight months (it seemed like an eternity!).  Six of
those months were a jail sentence for not paying support the right way
(http://www.AKidsRight.Org/support_jm.htm).

I picked Domenic up at the usual place with the usual hug.  But as we
drove to the cabin he seemed a little distant and it was hard to tell
what was going on.  At the cabin he told me his stomach felt funny.
We sat quietly together and in a while he said that he missed mommy
and that he felt funny being with me.  I didn't say too much, just
held him, but my mind was just a confusion. If at that moment he would
have told he wanted to go back, to leave, and started crying -- I
would have bundled him in the car and drove him back.  Imagine that!

Again, we had dinner, and in an hour things were back to normal -- and
have been that way ever since!  Thank God!  He is now 10 and we talk all
the time on the phone and eagerly plan visits.  But what could have been?

I'm going to tell you I was very fortunate and also very, very
dedicated as a parent.  I did a lot of things right
(http://www.AKidsRight.Org/warm.htm) and had some good examples to
follow.  But I was lucky, a few "things" could have gone the other way
and changed everything -- and many of you have been down that road.
You shouldn't have to be perfect to be a parent, or even average.
Being a poor parent is okay.  Why?  Because people change. Relationships
are dynamic things and change over time -- but much less when you have
no contact.

Recognizing the Depth of the Indignity
--------------------------------------
Probably the greatest indictment of our present "systems" of Family
Law is the alienation of parents and children.  What a monstrous
event!  My Child doesn't love me right now -- what awful words!  You
can take away my right to vote, make me sit in the back of the bus, or
send me out to pick cotton -- but please, don't let me hear my child
say they don't love me!

And don't believe the people who tell you the kids will get in touch
with you when they are older (I've got a bridge to sell you!).  It
might happen, lots of luck.  BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, please remember
the words, "My Child doesn't love me RIGHT NOW."  Please don't say the
classic line, "My Child doesn't love me ANY MORE."  Don't dive into
victimhood.  You can always keep trying and leaving the door open
(and it hurts to do that) -- but someday you can get that big bear hug
and the best words in the world, "I LOVE YOU!"


The Thermodynamics of Social Change
-----------------------------------
By training I'm an engineer.  Things happen for reasons, every action
has an equal an opposite reaction. One of the most basic rules of the
universe is "you don't get something for nothing."  The more "change"
you want to see happen, the more "energy" must be applied -- and vice
versa. PLEASE, this is not a physics class or some new theory of
cosmology, just a perspective on what seems to happen.

Chemistry & Energy
------------------
Most of us have had a little basic Chemistry, we know how some
reactions give off a lot of "energy" and others absorb a lot of
energy.  It's almost become trendy to become a "suicide bomber"?  But
really, I think they should change the words to "murder/suicide
bomber" since the primary "targets" are civilians.  What do you think
about that type of "reaction"?  What kind of "energy" does it have,
does it give or take from others?  What kind of social change happens?

When you see someone sacrificing out of love as a volunteer to help
others. What kind of "energy" does it have, does it give or take from
others?  What kind of social change happens?

You can both have a noble goal, but your attitude and motivation are
crucial. I don't think the murder/suicide bomber approach works to
make "positive" change. Even though it involves personal sacrifice --
there is also a strong element of hatred/revenge/take you with me when
I go!  Can you expect positive social change?

What about us as parents?  Is all the anger and recrimination to those
who hurt us and our children going to make things better?  I've always
been mystified by events where people want to carry signs that depict
judges as bats, or lawyers as vampires, or themselves as victims?  The
folks that want to get out in front of the Court House and call
somebody names.

What type of energy in that type of reaction?  People who appear to
motivated primarily by anger and revenge.  Why do many Family Law
reform groups see a revolving door of membership -- for some, once the
anger is gone/forgotten, so is their motivation.  The idea that they
need to sacrifice more to help fix things is just not acceptable?

Not being a Pacifist and being Angry
------------------------------------
Sometimes people think I am a "pacifist," that could not be further
from the truth.  I have to say I was disturbed by some of the anti-war
"protests" and especially the smug attitude of folks within my very
church.  Once during a homily, I wanted to jump up and say,

"You say you care about the people of Iraq?  What about the modern day
Hitler who is destroying their lives right now?  How many of you are
willing to stop what you are doing, say goodbye to your families,and
travel their to help those people, to help bring peaceful change by
your tremendous sacrifice? To demonstrate this great love for mankind
that you say you have ........ I think Gandhi would have done that,
Jesus would have done that, St. Francis would have done that.  I don't
see any hands (not even mine is up).

...Well, because of that, some other people are going to have to go
their to fight and to die.  Prayer is all powerful, but when you have
it within your means to act, you must also act....whatever the cost. "

Yes, I am angered about what happened to Domenic and I.  I am so angry
that at time I could put my fist through a wall that we have had to
undergo such painful experiences.  Even while I acknowledge that I
could have done better, I also affirm what other people did was also
just plain wrong.  I have to admit these things because I'm a human
being, flesh & blood.  This is how I feel.

But the part of me which is more than animal knows that anger isn't going
to solve any problems in this struggle.  Anger is nowhere near the
motivation necessary to peacefully risk arrest and jail by walking into
the Federal Building and trying to arrange that meeting with Senator
Clinton.

To the extent that we can succeed in NonViolent Action is our ability
to convert our anger into Love.  To convert energy of one form into
another.


The Energy of the Easter Reaction
---------------------------------
While many of us question the "divinity" of Jesus Christ, we all must
admit the impact he had on civilization.  How?  Actually, as parents
we can all sleep easier when we see him as the "Mystical God." Then
what he did becomes easy and distant.  But what if he was just a man
like us?

Someone who loved every moment of life and rejoiced in the beauty and
harmony of nature.  Someone who saw that we are all brothers and
sisters, children of a loving Father.  Someone who was flesh and
blood, who could trip & fall & get angry (a man like us in all things
but sin, who never denied the ultimate reality) -- but could pick
himself up again.  Someone who could have taken the hint and left
Jerusalem during that final week.  Could have taken the reasonable
approach and withdrawn, worked on the message a bit more, held a few
more "seminars."  He could have raised and loved children of his own,
been a life-long positive example.

But something tells me he understood the Thermodynamics of Social
Change. That by being the lamb lead to the slaughter without anger, by
being able to genuinely forgive those who were about to put him
through the meat-grinder -- he would start a "reaction" of tremendous
"energy."  A reaction that would give and that could not be denied.
That would affirm his message of love and that life is eternal.

Social Change and Family Law
----------------------------
Folks, let's not kid ourselves.  We and our families have experienced
a great wrong -- the reaction required to reverse that will be equally
as large.  To the extent we are angry, vengeful, and
selfish -- we move it back.    What do we gain in return, the greatest
gifts of all, love & resurrection!

Let's all learn from the lesson of Easter!

John Murtari
jmurtari@AKidsRight.Org



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