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Goals for Reform / July 28th, NonViolent Action and Senator Clinton

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From: John Murtari (jmurtari@AKidsRight.org)
Date: Fri Jul 25 2003 - 12:43:43 EDT


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Good People & People of Faith:

I just completed a wonderful six week vacation period with my Sun,
Domenic.  It was just a great time and we were very fortunate to have
it together!

Next Monday (July 28) I'll be outside the office of US Senator Hillary
Rodham Clinton with a picture of my Sun and I, and also some of yours,
see: http://www.AKidsRight.Org/actionc_syr/petitions.htm -- I hope to
see some of you there!  I also expect to be arrested and to spend the
night in jail for attempting to "petition" my Senator for reform (even
though I'm quite peaceful, don't bother anyone, and have a great deal
of respect for her).  Why would anyone do that?

I actually got email from a couple of people who registered at the
site, http://www.AKidsRight.Org/actionc_syr, and were ready to "walk"
with me. I haven't heard anything more yet, but maybe they will be
there or others?

Why risk jail, is that really necessary?  What are your goals for
reform?  What do you want?  How much do you have to "believe" before
NonViolent Action makes sense?


NonViolent Action - What is it?
------------------------------
We have held up the ideal that people willing to demonstrate: Faith,
Love, and Personal Sacrifice can be the means of effective social
change. More specifically, that Parents can promote reform by
demonstrating:

1) Faith in a loving God,
2) Love for their children, former spouses, and other "brothers and sisters", and
3) Willingness to make Personal Sacrifice,

NonViolent Action allows you to demonstrate through "unambiguous
physical action" the depth of your Faith and belief in your "cause."
It is a positive demonstration of love given at sometimes tremendous
personal cost. (http://www.AKidsRight.Org/civil_back.htm)


Being an NCP
------------
As may of you Non Custodial Parents (NCPs) know, you can never be sure
you will have your child for a "visit" until they are in your arms.
So.... I was really quite honored to be able to be a parent for a
solid six week period to my child. It is so wonderful the
powers-that-be deigned to give me a solid six weeks in the
summer. (Please excuse the sarcasm!)  Many of you weren't so lucky,
heck -- some of you not only didn't get five weeks, you didn't get
anything.  Sorry, the powers-that-be decided that being with you was
NOT in the "best interest of your child."

What are you going to do about it? I mean -- after you go through
repeated cycles of anger/depression?  Hopefully, you won't "accept
it."  Hopefully you won't complete that final stage in the "healing
process" -- many of you may have heard this from others, trying to
compare divorce and separation from your kids like a death in the
family?  Imagine that!  Is that supposed to be healthy/real?

Hopefully, every morning you feel the pain of that separation, the
indignity, the injustice.  Hopefully, your heart will broaden and
grow.  Yes, Faith is important here.  When I began to appreciate a
loving God (abba, daddy, papa), who loves me even more that I love my
Sun -- how can I worry?  Then you may also feel the pain of others
separated from their kids: divorced, separated, accused of abuse
by social services (but not quite proven).


But What is Your Goal?
----------------------

We have talked about this in the past. Maybe it needs to be a BIG
goal, not a little goal.  People are willing to sacrifice for BIG
goals, maybe not for little goals.  Jesus of Nazareth wanted us all to
recognize we are brothers and sisters, that we should love each other
-- talk about a BIG goal!

Many of use BIG words about our right to be a parent!  But then we
accept reform that calls for something like "a rebuttable presumption
of joint custody" or "shared parenting."  Do our goals match our
words?  Are you willing to sacrifice everything you have to get a
"rebuttable presumption" law passed?  I don't think I would.

I always measure by my case.  Some might say my original Judge (NY
Supreme Court, Charles T. Major) was biased and unfair and didn't
follow all procedures (yes, he was a human being).  He did treat me
with courtesy and respect. But I have to say the guy genuinely didn't
understand why I wouldn't joyfully accept being a parent every other
weekend?  He was a parent and he didn't think he was violating any
fundamental rights. He couldn't understand why I was lengthening the
proceedings just because of custody. Heck, he even gave me
Thursday-Monday every other weekend (4 whole days!).  Isn't that
"shared parenting?"  I'm sure if there was a rebuttable presumption
law, or a "clear and convincing evidence" law -- he would have signed
off on all that -- after all HE was sure.

It is always easy for ONE person to be sure. This is why we have
juries to protect other "valued" rights (we need 12 people to be
sure).


Can we just fill in from the back of the bus?
---------------------------------------------
Most of us recall the Bus Boycotts and Rosa Parks, but do you know what
the original goal was when the boycott  started?  Martin Luther
King and the committee just wanted blacks to be able to fill in from
the back of the bus, and whites to still fill in from the front --
first come first serve. Talk about a "little" goal.  You see back then
there was a line in the bus, and blacks couldn't sit forward of that
line (even if there were empty seats) -- and if a white person got on
and the white part of the bus was full, a black would be asked to
stand (that's what got Rosa all fired up!).

Thankfully, the city "fathers" were so stubborn, they wouldn't even
agree to that "little" goal -- or the whole thing might have stopped
there for a while and real reform would have been delayed even
longer...


Equal Parenting unless you are a BAD parent
-------------------------------------------
I think the words "equal parent" make the goal pretty clear (it's a
more precise definition of sharing).  The question we all need to ask
ourselves is what standard to apply before the powers-that-be can
interfere in your family life?  Should government interfere here:

* You are an "average" parent, but your spouse is objectively a good
(maybe great) parent -- should that matter?

* You are definitely below average/poor (no time for the kids, don't
read to them, just keep them fed and safe -- should that matter)?

* Your spouse smokes "like a chimney" You just can't get them to quit.
Should Social Services take your kids away for safety?  Maybe even
to motivate both of you?

* Just like the above, only you and your spouse separate.  Is their
smoking your "trump card" in Court? Should the kids spend equal time
with them without wearing a gas mask?

* Similar to the above, but your spouse is handicapped, maybe in
a wheel chair.  They are quite mobile/independent -- but do you REALLY
want to leave them alone with a three year old? Couldn't something happen?

* With cruel intent you beat your child severely and send them to the
emergency room? (I vote for BAD parent here).


I've come to accept "poor" parenting. Why?  Because people change and
no relationship is more fruitful of change than that of parent/child.
I recently had a friend's wife tell me she was so caught up in her job
that she "missed" most of her daughter's teen years.  But a change in
circumstances caused her to have more home time and she realized what
she was missing and CHANGED.  BUT, what if a divorce had happened
earlier?

Do I like "poor" parenting, no.  I agree we should have all the social
programs in the world to "encourage" poor parents to become better
parents -- but treat them as less than an equal parent. Never.  The
parent/child bond is special and unique.  You don't get to pick your
parents.  What makes you BAD - a demonstrated mal-intent to HARM your
child.  It is pretty easy to understand, easy for a jury to enforce.

We have some solid "example implementations" in the DRAFT Family Rights
Act at our web site, http://www.AKidsRIght.Org/act.htm -- what do you
think?  Do you have any examples of your views?


The Seamless Protection
-----------------------
As we think about goals (and remember those BIG words about basic
rights we all use).  Shouldn't the basic goal which both mother's groups,
father's groups, and child abuse reform groups have  be common?

A clear standard (your a BAD parent), protected by a Jury, which must
be proven before the powers-that-be can interfere in your relationship
with your child.

Unfortunately, many of us aren't past the anger/depression -- the only
solution we see is:

1. I just want to get complete custody of my child back from the other
parent (I've suffered as an NCP -- but really, they do deserve it --
trust me!)

2. I just want to get custody of my child back from social services (but,
don't talk to me about sharing time with the other parent -- they really
are a danger, too bad no one else can see it!).


Leadership that does not believe in Reform?
-------------------------------------------
Many people on this list are "leaders."  Have you become more
pragmatic since your early "enthusiastic" days?  Are you beginning to
realize that BIG reform just isn't going to happen in your life time.
Maybe it's best to just tweak the existing system.  Have you just lost
hope in real change?

Do we remember that for the majority of "written" human history:
slavery was a norm, there was no freedom of religion, no real
democracy.  The "early promoters" of modern freedoms were persecuted
and killed.  They just didn't "get it."  But BIG change did happen.

We think we have "arrived" in our modern time.  That "all civil
rights" are recognized, but in the near future folks may look back and
say, "Can you believe how it was back then, just because you separated
-- you weren't an equal parent anymore!  Barbarians!"

Have you become cynical about "mass movements" supporting the cause?
That the average American/Canadian/New Zealander... is too much of a
Neanderthal to really sacrifice for change -- try to remember who the
folks were that supported Gandhi and King.


Just Imagine
------------
In 1950, in Alabama, you could have talked to a
college-educated-middle-class-white-just-coming-out-of-church voter
and they would have had a LOT of reasons why blacks should "sit in the
back."  What made them see it differently in just a few short years?


Why risk jail?
--------------
The history of NonViolent Action in Civil Right's movements certainly
says that "actions speak louder than words."  I could talk/write till
I'm blue in the face about my Sun and I and the terrible anguish we
have both been through.  I need to convince our good US Senator that
this is an important issue and she needs to make time to talk about it
(that it will help her political future).

The "risk" I take is jail.  The "risk" she takes is publicity.  If a
news source picks up on this and runs a sympathetic story, she'll have
some tough questions to answer.  Obviously, the more people involved,
the easier it is for ALL of us.

If you notice the link, it ends with /actionc_syr (it's unique to
Syracuse).  Could you imagine a day when we have /action_bos (Boston,
home of Senator John Kerry, Candidate for US President), or /action_nc (North
Carolina, home of Senator John Edwards, Candidate for US President).

Actually the group has met with staff from both their offices,
http://www.AKidsRight.Org/legislative.htm -- and gotten a "real"
letter from Senator Kerry.  Obviously just a few mothers AND fathers
outside the offices of his Boston office might make National News --
especially if they can't just be dismissed as "cranks", but as loving
parents, willing to sacrifice their freedom, to convince the good
Senator Family Law Reform is a BIG National Issue.  Imagine that!

We just first need to convince ourselves, by our actions, that it is a
BIG issue.

John Murtari
jmurtari@AKidsRight.Org

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